Bring back the sack or play parcheesi

Someone has to talk some sense into the league and the silly refs.  In the 3rd quarter of the MN/NO game they called a personal foul when Favre was tackled cleanly around the waist.  They said he hit the ground too hard.  The league outlawed high hits, then they stopped low hits, and now you get flagged for tackling around the waist.  Knocking the snot out of a guy is the only way you can stop the top Qb’s.  If you can’t hit them, might as well take the whole dang defense off of the field and play parcheesi.

Glen Beck stalks Sarah Palin

Did you see the infamous part of Glen Beck’s interview with Sarah Palin a while back?.  How creepy & stalker-like can you get?  It had a seriously sick, Stephen King vibe about it.  Like he wanted nothing more than to have sex with her dead body or something.  One day he’s going to flip out like Rush and they are going to find some seriously sick stuff in his place, like a blow up doll of the statue of liberty, a box of rich Kansas farm soil he sits in to sow his seed and a cum-splattered “I love Ronnie” pop-up book from the Reagan Memorial Library.

Congrats Senator Beefcake

Congrats on the election of Senator Beefcake from Massachusetts.  Apparently the Republican party doesn’t mind full frontal nudity from men, but God help you if you pose naked and run for Miss America.  I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason the GOP is opposed to gay marriage is that they don’t want to diminish the dating pool…

Silly me, now who’s pulled a Tiger?

In a recent email I commented on how stupid all these professional athletes were to get arrested for DWI’s, when they make so much money they could take a limo just to pick up their mail.  It was in response to the arrest of Jayson Williams, who recently plowed his SUV into a tree (now called pulling a Tiger).   I had forgotten that Williams was not able to get a limo driver, since he shot his last one.  Williams claimed the loaded shotgun he was pointing at his driver just went off by itself as he snapped it shut.  Poor guy must now take care of his own transportation needs.  Boy, I can’t remember how many times I’ve been loading a shotgun on the way to a club or shining up my pistols after a quick shower at the arena, just to have one go off accidentally in my pants or while pointed at someone.  Shameful how they can just go off.  They really should put safeties on those things.  So I can completely understand why Jayson Williams had no choice but to drive drunk after all.  Silly me.

The NBA: Bring the family

Years ago I swore I would never attend another NBA game after several players jumped into the stands at a Pacers game and attacked several fans because one threw a beer at the bench.  How would you like to be sitting next to the unruly fan and be charged by an enraged 6 ft 6, 220 pound thug?  And now Arenas and his teammate get into a dispute over a gambling debt and threaten each other with guns inside the locker room.   What’s to stop them from bringing out a gun onto the court in a gym bag next time?  Maybe taking a pot shot at an opponent who fouls him too hard or an abusive fan?    It is not so far away from happening.  The NBA:  Bring the family!

The 12 wipes of Christmas, or the holly potty

Procter & Gamble announced in October that it will once again create and host a public restroom for the holiday season in New York City’s Times Square (a holly potty?) as a promotion for Charmin tissue.  This year P&G will upgrade by hiring five bloggers (“Charmin Ambassadors”) to interact with the expected hundreds of thousands of bathroom guests and write about their experiences with Charmin tissue (How many ways can you say I wiped my ass?).
The blogs will be posted on the company’s website (the 12 wipes of Christmas) and will include “family-friendly” photographs.    Does that mean with or without skidmarks?  Before & after photos?  What if they forget to flush?  What a way to find part time work for the holidays… I suppose it’s still alot better than being a personal ass wiper.  Just think twice if someone offers you a stocking stuffer.

Holidays a time for thanks

Ah yes, ’tis the holiday season.  A time for thanksgiving.  We can all be thankful for many things… things like our neighbors.  For instance, neighbors like Randy Good of Pennsylvania.  He has a contract with the Pennsylvania DOT to remove the animal carcasses from roads in five counties.  Good says he has been picking up 50 to 100 rotting carcasses a day. (Doesn’t anyone know how to drive in Pennsylvania?)  To cope with demand, he has been dumping a few hundred dead deer at a time in his yard.  And you thought someone having dandelions in their lawn or having their dog poop on yours was bogus. Neighbors a half-mile away say they have resorted to burning candles in their homes to mask the stench.  Is that Glade or Gla – de?

We can also be grateful to those who are concerned about the environment:  For some consumers, good environmental citizenship is important even when choosing among sex accessories. No longer will they tolerate plastic personal vibrators made with the softeners called phthalates; or body lubricants that contain toxic chemicals typically found in, say, antifreeze; or leather restraints from slaughtered cattle (boo on moo). Today there is a brand new market for environmentalists and organic lovers of all kinds: a wide selection of organic lubricants, biodegradable whips and handcuffs, whips made from recycled inner tubes, vegan condoms (yes that really is a cucumber in my pants…but does it come with fat-free dressing?), and glass, stainless steel or mahogany (do NOT even think about splinters) vibrators.  There are even hand-crankable models, eliminating the need for batteries (for the Amish?).
And speaking of toys, we can soon be grateful for the arrival of Christmas.  In that spirit, Mattel is accepting pre-orders for the April 2010 release of the newest doll in the Barbie/Ken line, the spiffily dressed Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken, aka Pimp Daddy Ken.  The company plans to showcase it with a much younger, trophy-type Barbie: Be-hatch Barbie, and her younger sister Hoochie.  Fa la la la la….

New QB safety rules a bust

I can’t believe the league fined another player for hitting a QB below the waist.  This is just ludicrous.  How is a guy supposed to stop if he thinks he might be tackling too low?  Is he supposed to carry around a tape measure to check before he makes a tackle?  Or maybe they need to change the QB’s uniform colors to show which areas are no tackle zones.  Does anyone really want to bring back the dreaded “in the grasp” rule?
The truth is these new safety rules have fundamentally changed the nature of football.  When even clean hits with shoulder pads are no longer allowed, you can no longer play tackle football.  Why not just change the game entirely and let QB’s play flag or touch football so the poor babies don’t get any owies?  It seems inevitable if you follow the current logic of the league.  One thing is for certain.  If the rules don’t change this will probably be the last season of football I ever watch.

Poke in the eye raises no eyebrows

I am appalled that the Florida Gator Spikes only got a one game suspension for trying to gouge out the eyes of an opponent.  Earlier this year an Oregon player that threw a punch was suspended for the season.  In my opinion eye-gouging is much worse.  A punch is a spontaneous, emotional response.  Trying to gouge out someone’s eyes after the whistle blows is a deliberate and premeditated act of malice.  But the Florida coach seems to think a championship season is more important than ethical behavior.  Even more shocking is how many announcers excuse Spikes’ actions “because he is normally such a nice guy”.  Apparently we should start excusing all criminal behavior as long as it’s committed by likable people.

Jokes that are tasteless

Hey what do you call a homosexual who refuses to wear a condom?  The Pope.
I swear lead paint must be on the school menu in the South.  They serve it instead of mayo.
See the new Snickers commercial?  A really hungry guy takes a bite out of a Snickers.  Then he says with a shocked face,”Man, my hunger is gone.”  What an amazing discovery: eating food curbs hunger.  If I hadn’t seen this commercial, I would have stuck with the lead paint…
Why does the Catholic church prohibit condoms?  Because altar boys choke on latex.