Celebrate National Vagina Appreciation Day this April 23rd!

This Saturday is National Vagina Appreciation Day! It’s a day to celebrate women as well as their bodies, so if you know a really spectacular cunt, be sure to shout it out to everyone you know. The world needs to know.

Here are some fun facts!
Fact No. 1: The vagina is self-cleaning.
The vagina is sometimes compared to a “self-cleaning oven,” as OB-GYN Christine Greves puts it. The bacteria in the vagina include good bacteria called lactobacillus, she says, adding that they work something like a robot vacuum. (It’s not a Roomba, it’s a Coochma.)

Fact No. 2: You can’t actually ‘lose’ anything in your vagina.

Horror stories float around online about women “losing” tampons in their vagina, but although foreign objects can get stuck in the vagina, losing them isn’t possible, Streicher says. “Everybody thinks the vagina is this open-ended road, but the truth is that it’s a dead end,” she says. “You can’t lose a tampon or anything in there, because it stops at the dead end.” (So I should definitely start looking someplace else for my dentures…)

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US Soccer a flop

The US Men’s Soccer team needs a giant dose of Viagra. They lost to Columbia and are out of the tournament, finishing 4th in their group. I’ve never seen any team so impotent. They had at least three good open looks in front of the goal, and couldn’t even get a shot off! Late in the game they had a wonderful chance to tie the score on a perfect crossing pass that rolled in front of a striker running to the net. But he missed! I don’t mean he missed the goal, he missed the ball! The ball was at his feet, he went to kick it and just totally whiffed. Pathetic. This was followed by the ejection of a US player for shoving an opponent in the face. Klinsmann may have been a superb player for Germany, but he’s an epic failure as a coach.

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Consumer alert

Wish I had read this article before buying Spring Valley!

If you’re picking up your supplements at Walmart, you may not be getting what you pay for. A recent investigation by the New York attorney general’s office found that many of the store-brand herbal supplements sold at Walmart, Target, Walgreen’s, and GNC didn’t contain any DNA from the plants listed on the label. Zero!  Walmart was the worst offender of the bunch, with only 4% of products testing positive for the labeled ingredients. (That means you’re getting ZERO of the products on the label in 96 bottles out of 100.). So what are you swallowing instead?  Its ginkgo biloba supplements were actually powdered radish, houseplants, and wheat, the New York Times reported.  So THAT’S  what happened to my chia pet!!!!

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Trump, Carson or Cruz?

Someone shared a link asking which of these three would make the best Prez, which inspired this reply from me:

If Trump becomes Prez, the White House will be renamed the Trump Capitol Casino, hair implants will now be covered by Medicare and topless women will walk the floors of Congress selling Keno tickets between votes. If Carson becomes Prez, the National Anthem will be replaced by Aretha Franklin’s “Respect”, and the military will double as a delivery service. Whenever you order a large pepperoni meal deal, it gets delivered by your choice of an M1 Abrams tank or an Apache attack helicopter. God help you if you forget to tip the driver!

If Canadian born Rafael “Ted” Cruz becomes Prez, he will merge the U.S. with Canada in order to form a new supernation, Canuck. The new currency will be the Loon and the current President’s Day holiday will be replaced by Fidel Castro Day, to honor his father’s military service fighting for Castro.

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Chuckle of the day

I was at the grocery store right before closing, and they buzzed the register to ask if the garbage was ready to go out. The cashier answered,”I’ve got the trash right here in front of me.” To which I replied, in my best vamp pose, “Who you callin’ trash, honey?”

TM. All rights reserved.

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Poop Capital

Sometimes it takes a really great piece of data visualization to help us grasp an important point—a point so fundamental that it needs to be understood by as many people as humanly possible. Such a point is knowing that San Francisco is being utterly overwhelmed by a tidal wave of human poop.

In October 2015, a data visualizer known simply as “William” developed an animated map collecting all reports of human poop in the city. The map begins in summer 2008 and ends in summer 2015. The more reports of poop, the bigger and bluer the circles get. What he uncovered was an out of control pooping epidemic.

In the last seven years, people dropping a log on the streets of San Francisco has gone from disappointingly frequent to completely off the chart. While the map’s start records a few clusters around the downtown area, by the time we hit 2015, half the city is lost under an avalanche of human waste.

To give you an idea of how bad things are getting, in 2012, a city escalator became so clogged with poop that it stopped working, and a hazardous waste materials team had to be called. If Tony Bennett were to visit the city today, he wouldn’t leave his heart…he’d leave a dump.  

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Musings on holiday shopping

I recently saw that Amazon had a Jawbone Activity Tracker for sale, and I wondered just exactly what activities it might be used to track? 1) How many times you chew your food in every bite 2) To prove once and for all that someone really just can’t keep their big mouth shut 3) To provide empirical evidence that professional strength kneepads and a spittoon are a necessary expense for the household budget.

 

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Zombies are the last thing you should worry about. Pickles have rights, too.

At a recent picnic, a friend casually mentioned that she didn’t like pickles- sour or sweet.  She also turned up her nose at relish.  I was aghast.  After all, who doesn’t relish a good relish?  It seemed to me to be downright un-American.  That led me to ask if  her distaste for pickles meant she was also anti-cucumber, but the conversation swayed and she never got a chance to answer.  Well, over the holiday weekend word of her anti-social attitude towards pickles leaked out into the social media.  Most of the complaints were from P.E.T.A.S.I. (People for the Equal Treatment of All Salad Ingredients).  But she also received some angry emails from S.A.L.A.D, (Society for the Appreciation of the Leafy And Delicious).  Now I hear she might also be facing a boycott from P.E.A.V.E (People for the Equal Advancement of Vegetables Everywhere) and a sympathy strike by their brothers in O.K.R.A. (Organization for Kindness to Radishes and Artichokes), so be forewarned if you speak out publicly against pickles.  Don’t leave the house without a set of salad tongs to defend yourself.  Before venturing outdoors, douse yourself liberally with Thousand Island or Bacon Ranch dressing, especially when travelling through heavy picnicking areas.  A garland of garlic croutons worn around the neck is also highly recommended.  Avoid large gatherings or “bunches” of carrots.  If approached by a rogue salad, do not panic.  Sprinkle the area with Bac o’ Bits and back away slowly.  Use a salad shooter only as a last resort.

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Holiday plans?

Have any unused vacation time left this year? Doing anything special for the holidays? May I suggest a vacation package for a trip to the exotic Democratic Republic of Congo? Excitement and adventure await!
Come see local festivals and gatherings in Beni… Where, for example, a crowd just stoned a young man to death before burning and eating his corpse.
Witnesses (dinner guests?) said this was in apparent revenge for a series of attacks by Ugandan rebels. (Fabulous! Meals are included!)
The incident in the town of Beni followed a number of overnight raids in the area blamed on the Islamist group ADF-NAUL, who are thought to have massacred more than 100 people this month, using hatchets and machetes to kill their victims. (excellent opportunities for cardiovascular workouts!)
Witnesses said the man, who has not been identified, aroused suspicion on a bus when passengers discovered he could not speak the local Swahili language and that he was carrying a machete. (English to Swahili dictionary available on request…Machetes available for a nominal extra fee.) So let’s all take a lesson from these guys. The next time your neighbor’s dog goes poop on your lawn, don’t just give him the finger… Hack him to death and serve him up with some potato salad.

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What good is a zombie-proof home without a warranty?

You hear the horrifying groans. Decaying hands scrabble at the door, trying to find a way in. They want to eat you. You sit down on the sofa, kick your feet up and open a can of Spam. No worries. You’re inside a Zombie Fortification Cabin from Tiger Log Cabins. All you have to do now is wait in safety and comfort for the zombie apocalypse to blow over.

The ZFC-1 is a log cabin kit designed with the walking dead in mind. The structure consists of three connected buildings. It comes stocked with reinforced slit windows, walls and doors; a barbed-wire surround; an escape hatch on top; and a living room with Xbox, TV and sound system. It comes with an arsenal storage unit to secure your anti-zombie weaponry. There’s also a toilet system, garage, kitchen area with microwave and an upper deck with a full view all around so you can keep an eye out for the oncoming horde. A garden section means you won’t have to take over an abandoned prison to start a small produce farm.

The $113,000 price tag is for the kit only. It will cost you an additional $21,000 to add installation, $3,000 for security cameras and $5,600 for solar panels. Pricing is available on request for adding a water cannon, search lights or flame thrower to the package. There seems to be no option to add on a samurai sword, so you’ll need to provide your own.

One of the cabin’s more notable features is a 10-year anti-zombie guarantee. This may be the most brilliant guarantee ever offered on a structure. If for some reason the cabin doesn’t hold up and a zombie or 2 gets inside, chances are the cabin’s owner won’t survive to complain. “Please note — we require medical evidence of the presence of a real zombie should you wish to claim under the 10 year anti zombie guarantee,” Tiger writes. So save those severed limbs.

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