Top ten things you never want to hear about your presidential candidate

1. His most important career goal is finding Bigfoot
2. He attended an Ivy League school (both Bushes went to Yale and Obama to Harvard… Need I say more?)
3. Thinks the theory of evolution is a bigger hoax than global warming
4. Named all his kids after road signs
5. Is a member of the Bush family tree…  Seriously, one more Bush in office and we might as well start calling this country New China!
6. Spends more time in men’s rooms than Sen. Larry Craig
7. Thinks book burning is a fun family activity, second on the list to building a witch pyre.
8. Thinks the Oval Office is really named the Oral Office
9. Believes the next US state will actually be a colony on the moon (google the National Aeronautics and Space Policy Act of 1981).
10. Makes major economic policy decisions using a Magic 8 Ball.

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Cain quits campaign for silly reason

Herman Cain just withdrew as a candidate for President.  Why?  Just because he cheated on his wife and lied about it?  Isn’t that a prerequisite for running for office?  Wait… you mean he isn’t secretly gay?  Then what the hell is he doing running for office as a Republican?
The Newt has suddenly risen in the polls.  Does he seriously think he can get into office with his baggage?  Perhaps he’s twice as qualified as Cain, because he had at least two affairs…  I smell a Vice-Presidency!

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Republicans scream Chinese plot

It was reported that President Obama ordered some Chinese takeout for dinner.  According to sources in the GOP,  party leaders were alarmed that this was the signal that an impending Chinese invasion was at hand.  “Obama is colluding with communists to hand over our country to the red invaders, ” spouted Rush Limbaugh as he stuffed an overnight bag with cheese doodles,  moon pies and enough vicodin to kill a horse.  “I’m leaving for Columbia.”  Sarah Palin was quick to join in the fray, saying,” While I was lathering up my breasts in the shower this morning, I got a particularly good look over the horizon and saw over Russia into China.  Thousands of them squinty-eyed little fellers were a-swimmin’ over the ocean with a submachine gun in one hand and a book of matches to burn the bible in the other.”  Senator Larry Craig, on the NRA board of directors since 1983, warned of a new evil,” My friends and I often use the muzzles of our guns as dildoes.  If we are invaded all of our arms must be rigorously inspected for vaseline build-up.  There may be a significant hazard of a backfire if the barrel is obstructed.  Make sure you suck those muzzles dry, boys.”
Chairman of the RNC Michael Steele also warned of the Chinese menace,”Noone is safe while there is chow mein in the area.  Any contact with a noodle can be deadly.”
Several blue dog democrats were even overheard to express some serious environmental concerns,”Those eggrolls make me quite farty.  We have to do everything we can to stop the build-up of more greenhouse gasses if we are to save the planet.  I propose we boycott farting in public.”  When informed of the sudden public panic, Nancy Pelosi commented,”The democrats have a long, proud history of constipation, but we have always been strongly opposed to the making of squinty chinese faces while farting.”
Finally, Dick Cheney called a press conference to announce,”We must protect America from all weapons of mass destruction.  Pot stickers will not be tolerated on these shores.  To stop the Chinese red menace, this axis of evil, we must invade Portugal immediately…”

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